argues with me. Because NOTHING I say matters (in my opinion) and I'm sick
and tired of her saying that I'm "defending" myself, when all I'm trying to do is tell her what's on my mind. Usually when in the middle of an argument I write in my diary because I'm too upset of telling her how I feel.
I'm done with telling her how I feel and I'm just going to stay quiet, even
if she says the most untruest things about me I don't care.
But at the same time I want her to listen to me Damnit!!! Any ideas on how
to stop this dynamic triangle?
Something has broken down in the way you two communicate, and it's very hard to change these sorts of things. You've known each other for years and years, and you've been talking/fighting with each other the same way for a long time.
I always think writing a letter is a good idea. It gives you a chance to write down everything you want to say, good and bad, without falling into any of the traps you two might usually enter - like you getting emotional and her calling you 'defensive.'
You could write and say you want to share things with her, but it's hard when you're always fighting. If a mother knows her daughter wants to talk, she's more likely to be soft hearted and willing to listen.
Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to do most of the changing if you want things to change - unless you write your mother and she agrees something needs to be done. This could even mean you guys sitting down once a week with rules - for example, the other one isn't allowed to talk when the person speaking is holding a certain object. Or maybe you each get to talk for one minute while the other has to listen without trying to immediately pounce or start an argument.
I know better than anyone the problems of living with a mother like this, but I also know that when two people really love each other, these things eventually work out. I'm sure your mother is feeling the strain as much as you are - you'll both probably start making tiny, unnoticeable adjustments until one day you can have a civilized conversation.
In the meantime, don't stop trying to talk - and keep up your diary. Using it to vent out the most tough, harsh thoughts means you won't have to tell your mother them...which means that she'll be more likely to listen to the important things.
Good luck.