Ask Alison.

My guy won't commit. Why?
there's a man in my life who i've been best friends with for nearly three years. we've been lovers off and on over the course of this time. i've never known such a close connection - we nearly read one another's minds...and we are compatible in all ways but one. i thrive on commitment. he does not. i've recently, once again broken, everything off between us. we're still friends, but i'm heartbroken. i know i'm doing the right thing but my question is this: am i deluding myself in thinking he loves me back? perhaps if he really loved me he would commit? or maybe it isn't the right time for us?i guess it doesn't matter but i can't understand how two people who are so perfect for one another constantly fail to work out. what do you think?

thanks.

I think there there are two sides to every perfect. You might be ready to commit, and this might be the person you want to commit to.

But from the other perspective? He might not really love you the way you want to be loved, he might not be someone who will ever commit to anybody, or he might just not be ready.

You're not a mind reader. It's only fair to yourself to find someone who matches up to you - because this relationship really isn't perfect if you both want different things. Sometimes love isn't enough; compromise can be a bigger success factor than anything else.

You have two options.

One, you stay strong in your choice to end this friendship/relationship. It sounds now as if the guy is getting all the benefits of a relationship with none of the limitations. You have obviously decided this isn't going to work out, and you need to find a way to move on.

Asking yourself constant questions about the situation isn't a way to move on. If you feel unresolved, then have a talk with this guy. You have nothing to lose since the relationship is over, anyway.

Ask him to honestly tell you how he feels - where he's at, how he feels towards you, where he's likely to be at in the future.

If you feel satisfied he's given you honest answers, then you have more concrete things to weigh up when making a decision. One factor might be your differing definitions of committment - does he not want to commit at all, or does he just want more freedom than you feel comfortable allowing him?

Neither of you are bad people, but you might be people that aren't compatible on basic levels. Despite all the really good stuff you have going for you, it's the fundamental beliefs about life and love that will make or break any relationship.

Best of luck.

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Posted on 2005-04-20 at 1:17 p.m.