I hadn't seen him since, until last night. When I saw him.......All I wanted to do was die. I told myself it was ok to commit suicide, but I KNOW it's not the answer. I just want all of this to end!
What do I do?
For immediate damage control, do you have people you can talk to? Friends, family, a suicide helpline, a counsellor? If not, journalling, writing poetry/songs, or painting are also great ways to work through pain. In fact, admitting how bad you feel is a key part in feeling better - it's okay to feel terrible after a breakup.
Dealing with the pain long term, all the above (talking, using creative means) still applies. But there's also the fact that you hadn't seen your ex-boyfriend in months.
Is this because you wouldn't normally bump into him, and this was a fluke? If so, there's a very good chance it could be another stretch of time before you had to deal with seeing him in person again.
While it's natural to feel depressed, angry, or like harming yourself - it's all about how you deal with the feelings. Killing yourself isn't a great solution - after all, you thought things were going well. This was, in the grand scheme of time since your breakup, a minor period of feeling really bad.
It's expected that seeing an ex again could jolt you back into feeling like you did right after the breakup, especially as you hadn't seen him in ages. But ultimately, life if about your choices - do you choose to find a healthy way to deal with the pain, or do you choose that life isn't worth living? I can't make those decisions for you.
However, you have said that you know suicide isn't the answer - so it's important to figure out possible solutions to helping you cope and work through your pain.
I can say that an excellent place to help sort out your emotions is in counselling. It's a non-judgemental, confidential place to talk to someone who is an excellent listener. It's a space to figure out how you feel, learn about how to cope with these feelings, and make progress into healing.
You can do this. The pain is terrible now, but ultimately time does heal. This doesn't mean it won't be a hard or painful process, but one day you'll wake up and feel whole again.
I wish you the best. Please do get in touch again if you need support.